40 weeks and 2 days

Well this picture was taken yesterday at my 40 week and 2 day mark. I cannot really say how much I hated (and still hate) answering the question of when am I due. "Any day now" people think because of my round tummy and tired eyes. And when I say two days ago, their eyes get even bigger and they say something about any second now. I wish for any second now. And then I hear all the stories of people and how they were such and such days or weeks late or the story of 4 months early and I should be grateful... etc. I am grateful. I am grateful for the amazing body that I have been given and how strong it has been to carry this little girl. I am grateful that she is healthy and that I am healthy. But those "extra few days of sleep" or whatever else might be a "plus" of her not being here yet really doesn't make any sense to me. Is one more day of sleep really going to make the difference? No. And is one more day of waiting really going to change much? No.

So I go back and forth with myself. Trying to be rational. Trying to be patient and calm and everything else that everyone (including myself) expects me to be. And at the same time trying to balance my fear and anxieties that increase everyday. Those same anxieties that seem to not be allowed or accepted by others. I'm not allowed to show that I am scared or that there are things that make me more and more nervous as time goes on. I'm not allowed to feel these things, and that is what I dislike the most. I am told not to feel a certain way because of course everything works out, there's nothing I can do about it and so many other people before me have gone through this and have been just fine. The way I feel is brushed off and I'm supposed to just be perfect and be okay with how things are happening.

I wish we were all more accepting of each other. Accepting of the fact that it is okay to feel all these different emotions in life. Feeling is what makes us human. But I agree that moving forward despite our fears is what is key. I try to do that each day. Pregnancy has been an amazing journey and has tested me in so many ways. I have some days where I am really tired, but other than that I would say that at over 40 weeks I am doing pretty well. Prayers that baby girl will make her debut soon and prayers that all will go well!

39 weeks

As of today I officially have FOUR DAYS until my due date. FOUR. DAYS. I just  cannot even tell you how hard that is to believe. She could come today (not feeling like that is very likely) and our little lives will be changed forever! As her due date has approaches, so have little anxieties. The closer I am more the more I realize how life is going to change. And at the same time I still have NO CLUE what life is actually going to be like. I get anxious for the change. I get selfish and sometimes don't want her to come because it will never just be Josh and me again.

I have so loved our life together so far and the time that we have just him and me. Parts of me wishes that I could keep it that way forever. But this isn't what someone who is about to have a baby should feel like, some might say. But they are true feelings if I am being honest with you and myself. And at the same time I worry, I also know that this little girl is going to add depth and love to our relationship that we never thought possible and I get so excited to meet her! I want to know what she looks like, her little habits and I am so excited to see her personality grow and develop. This little life has so much potential and I get to bring her into this world and be her mom.

As for actual delivery, that is always daunting and even though I have researched, read, heard and even was there for the birth of my niece, there is still so much unknown for how my labor and delivery process will go. I try to not think too much about that part of things. I know I am strong. Stronger than I think. And when the time comes, and the pain is real, I will be able to handle it. I will have Josh by my side and continual prayers of strength.

Each day the tension seems to build and I wonder when it is actually going to happen! I never thought she would be early, but I'm hoping that she will be on time ;). It is difficult to walk much, I keep a pretty slow pace and I get tired pretty quickly. I keep organizing as much as I can and cleaning to make sure things are as ready as they can be for the big day. As scary as it can all feel, I am ready. Josh is ready. And we are so excited!

Colorado baby shower

May 3rd I had my second baby shower here in Colorado! It was so much fun to be able to see my Colorado friends and to spend time hanging out, chatting, and eating delicious food! I feel so blessed to have the support that I do from friends and family. Our little girl is definitely spoiled already! And the decorations that my mom put together were PERFECT. She is an awesome decorator! 

This was my blessing dress, socks, blanket and shoes! Baby girl will hopefully be wearing this same dress for her blessing day.

Look how perfect these homemade cupcakes are! I loved the little bottles on top :)

Josh's mom and some ofher friends came up from Pueblo for the shower. So fun!!

Best friends since 6th grade. Love that we can live close again!

the move

I'm kind of bummed that I didn't get pictures from our move (thanks dad for snapping one!). Things were just so rushed that I didn't really think about it! Thursday and Friday were graduation days and then Saturday morning we packed everything up and left for Colorado! We rented a 5x8 Uhaul trailer that Josh's parents pulled for us and stuffed everything else in our car and my parent's car. It was quite the miracle that we fit all of our stuff into such small spaces. I really am convinced that the only way that we were able to do it was due to all the prayers that we said that everything would fit. That and the great packing skills that the parents and Josh have. WE used every nook and cranny in that little Uhaul! Once we got everything in we caravaned our way through the mountains with our three cars, Josh's parents in front, our slow car in the middle and my parents following behind. It rained while we packed, and it rained/hailed for the first four hours of our drive. I was so grateful for Josh for driving the whole way. I was nervous to drive being so large with child and then the part of the drive that I usually take it was raining/hailing hard and our little car kept fogging up! He just kept on driving for us and never once complained. I was so appreciative of that!

We finally made it to Colorado about 7pm and we stopped and enjoyed a meal at Hacienda Colorado (a fabulous Mexican restaurant). Josh and I stayed in Parker while the Peterson's headed the rest of the way to Pueblo. The next day we went to church with my parents and relaxed just to get up and drive to Fort Collins (technically we are in Loveland) the next day to officially unpack all of our stuff into the apartment. It was just Josh and my mom to unpack the Uhaul and truck that we were borrowing. I was AMAZED! It was one of the windiest days which is so miserable to be outside in, and we live in the back of the complex and on the second floor and my mom and Josh unpacked it all and SO FAST! They were amazing. I was given strict orders not to do much lifting so I started unpacking things in the kitchen and directing boxes of stuff. Before I knew it they had everything out! Even the big furniture pieces. What a studly family I have ;) Dad showed up after work with another car full of stuff and we unpacked that as well. Pretty soon we had everything in our condo.

I am so grateful for all the hard work that my parents have put in to helping us move and their willingness to do it! They are simply amazing and we could not have done all the hours of packing and moving without them. I feel so blessed to be able to live close by to them!! I still can't believe that this is where we live and its not just for summer like we are used to. This is our first home outside of college and we are so thrilled. We are loving the condo and I have enjoyed unpacking everything, getting organized and trying to make this little place into a home. It still has a ways to go but I would say it is coming together nicely. Maybe in a few weeks we will have things more put together and cute and I will get some pictures up! One thing at a time :)

38 weeks (better late than never)

I sort of can't believe that I am 38 weeks and have done so much in the past couple. With graduation, packing, moving, unpacking and a baby shower I'm proud that baby girl has stayed put! We have been so busy and I like to take a moment every once in a while to be proud of myself for (the most part) keeping up! So many people say that once they get to this point of pregnancy they are just fed up and done, like it is unbearable and they couldn't do it any longer. Well, maybe it is because I have been so busy but for the most part I am doing just fine! Sure I would like to be able to walk without a little waddle, and roll over in bed without it taking a lot of effort and energy. And sure I would like no heartburn, back pain, leg aches, be able to fit into clothes and such. But really, life is good, my baby (seems) healthy and content and I am just glad that everything has been working out. I found a doctor (well midwives!) out here and have things lined up for check ups and delivery plans. Things are all coming together in our apartment slowly but surely. We still need furniture and things like that but little by little we are getting there. As a wise aunt/uncle have told us many times, take life in steps. There is no need to have everything all at once and we can't compare our lives to those around us. And as hard as that can be sometimes, we doing our best to stop and enjoy each little phase of life!

graduation 2014

Two weeks ago Josh and I graduated college!! Holy cow. How amazing is that?! It still seems pretty unreal that we are done. Turned in our last homework, finished our last tests, sat in class on BYU campus for the last time (well, for now...). Both of our parents drove out to celebrate. I was able to sit by Josh for both graduation ceremonies and even though I am not a huge fan of graduation ceremonies (let's face it, they are long and boring) I am so glad I got to walk and dress up in our gowns and say that we officially graduated! All our hard work and we survived. Not only did we survive but I'd say we did pretty well along the way. ;) I learned so much in my four years at BYU and I grew so much as a person. I am so grateful for the amazing opportunity I had to go to school here. Maybe not today, or next week, but I know soon I will miss it. ;)