**I never posted this. I wasn't sure if I even should. But I when I reread it I remembered the desperation and feelings that I had that week (and throughout pregnancy to this point) and since this is a record of my life that I want to help me remember, I think its good to be real. And this post, it is real.
The decision to try and get pregnant is one of the most scary, amazing, faith-filled decision for me to make. I knew that it would be hard, and that being in school would add a little extra challenge. I have learned more about myself in that I like a challenge. I don't like when things are too easy because I don't feel like I'm progressing anywhere. But boy. Did I not expect this. I love the fact that I am pregnant and I do not want to sound like I am taking that for granted at ALL! I know that I am so blessed and though the journey to get here wasn't the easiest either, I just never expected this to be THIS HARD. From pretty much day 1 I have spend most of my time either thinking about throwing up, how to get to the nearest bathroom/trash can and actually throwing up. I am not a fan of throwing up to begin with (well, who is!), so when I started to average about 5 times a day, I thought I was going to die. The medicine that people said made night and day different, HA.It mocks me. It does practically nothing. It is physically and mentally draining to spend so much time over a toilet or trashcan, not being able to keep much food down and not enjoying eating anything. Coming from someone who loves to enjoy a good meal or snack, the eating thing has been extra tough as well. I don't cook anymore. I eat cereal and husband, well somehow he is surviving this as well (not exactly sure how!). Cleaning doesn't seem to happen either. I can barely pull clothes onto my body when I get up for school in the morning. I am on campus from 8-5 (or 7 on Wednesdays) and when I come home, I can barely think. So I honestly don't know how ANY homework gets done. Once I am home I am wasted and usually throw up a lot. I don't like to do anything, because I never feel well. I am just overall not myself. I have the feeling that I will never be normal again. That sound dramatic, and in ways it is. But that is how I feel. They say that after 12 weeks you should start to feel better... well I am now at 14 weeks and my throwing up is still in full throttle! I feel desperate and discouraged. I want so badly to be myself again.
I remember those same exact feelings! Even though I didn't actually throw up as much as you, I was always on the verge and it was miserable. You are so strong and wonderful and I'm so impressed with you and how you're handling it! You're amazing!
ReplyDeleteAs soon as you hold that baby girl in your arms you'll think, "I'd do it a million times over if this is what happens in the end," trust me!!!!! You're so wonderful! :)
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