grandma

Tuesday April 2nd, 2013. It is a day that I will never forget. This day is one that has really changed my own perspective on life and gave me new outlooks on my own beliefs. This was the day that  I found out my Grandma Alice passed away. I feel like when I tell people that my grandma passed away, they give me the look like "Oh its just your grandma. That's expected." And that infuriates me. It was not expected. And the fact that she is older (83 years old) has not helped me much in understanding her death. My grandma was one of my good friends. This past couple years I have gotten to know her better than I had my entire life.

She lived close to me in Utah so I saw her often. Sundays were usually our days. I would go over and just chat, catch up on our weeks and watch some old movies. She is the one who taught me how to sew. She was the one that never backed out of plans like many friends seem to do. She was the one who listened to me complain, or talk or ask questions about life. She would give me advice on life and tell me stories of her past experiences as a mother, wife, grandmother and daughter of God. My favorite recipes are from grandma; bread and homemade mac and cheese. She told me on Easter, the Sunday before she passed, that she would teach me how to make her bread. That's a chance I will no longer get. About a year and a half ago was the time that I grew closest to grandma. It was the day that  I "saved her life". That is another personal and emotional story that taught me a lot about the spirit, the sanctity of life, and how we really do need to be looking out for each other. Seeing her almost die that day was unbearable. No one really knew how that night effected me. No one but God.

Easter grandma was not feeling well, so we brought her food to her at home. I told her while we were there to let us take her to the hospital  I told her that I can't handle any more surprises  She said she would be okay and that she would let us know if she needed anything. Then Monday (the 1st) I got a call at 2 in the morning saying grandma had passed out and was convulsing. It was a miracle I even heard my phone. I jumped out of bed and rushed to the hospital with Josh along side. When I arrived, no one had answers. I got there just in time to hear Uncle Drew give grandma a blessing. We all felt the peace that she was going to pull through just fine. That it was not yet her time. She was awake, she knew everything that was going on. Test results would not come until morning. They told me that she was going to be okay and that I should go home and sleep. Grandma was so tired. She didn't complain, but I could just tell. I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I looked into her eyes and told her I loved her and that I would see her soon. What I did not know was that would be the last time that I would ever talk to her.

I've dealt with so much emotion these past couple weeks that they all don't even make sense. I've felt regret, glad that grandma was in safe hands when she passed, glad my family was able to come out so quickly, scared, angry that I had to do grown up things like clean out her house and be at the funeral home because all I wanted to do was mourn, I felt pain for her children who I love so much and can't imagine their pain. I have so many questions, for God, for my family, for myself. I wanted to remember everything that she had ever said to me. I wanted to keep all of our memories bottled somewhere safe so that I would never forgot. But mostly, I wanted grandma back.

My Sundays are no longer the same as they once were. They will forever be missing my visit with grandma. Her home was a place of peace and comfort for me. It was an escape from the rest of the world, a place of no judgement and where I felt loved. How I long for that right now. I know in my heart that she is safe in heaven, that she is happy. But it is hard for my mind to grasp the concept of death. It is not one I am unfamiliar with, and like many others, I just don't understand it. How can a person be here on earth and talking to me and then just one day be gone? I am still in mourning and still figuring out how this fits into my knowledge of a life after this one and eternal families. Experience truly brings knowledge to a new level.

Through all this, I have to say that I am extremely proud of my parents. Dad, I have you on my mind especially. I know how much you love your mom. You always made sure to call and check up on her and chat. You were such an amazing son. You fixed things that needed to be fixed, you made sure to make special time to visit grandma as soon as we got into town. As her son you fully knew her flaws and shortcomings but you loved her with all your heart. I could and can still feel that. And then through this hard time, you have given me strength. I want to be strong for you always. As you gave your amazing "conference talk" at her funeral, I looked at you and saw your love and your strength. I wanted to be strong for you because I knew how hard of a thing that was for you to do that day. I think you are incredible and I know that grandma think that too.

I have so much inside of me I could talk without end. I sit here in tears as I write this post. I look at the pictures of me and grandma from my wedding every night. I wear one of her rings on my finger or around my neck everyday. I will never forget you, grandma. You blessed my life in so many ways I cannot express my gratitude for you. There is a lot that I still don't know or understand about this life and about losing you, but I want you to know that I am doing my best to look out for your family here. I know that one of the things you wanted most was for your entire family (6 kids, 21 grand kids, 39 great-grand kids) to love and support one another.

This is all of Grandma's posterity minus only a handful of people. We were all there who could be to bid you farewell until we meet again. You are loved Grandma. There is no doubt about that.

Grandma, say hi to Alyssa's twins and Tressa's sweet girl that are up there with you. Give them wisdom there because they won't have a chance to see you for a while. Watch over your family on earth if you can. We all struggle and wish we could feel your love and hear your voice. And most of all, I look forward to seeing you when it is my turn someday. I know that you will be there greeting me back into heaven. I love you, grandma, and I will never forget you and how you have blessed my life!