Skyler Jane: a birth story

It was Wednesday, five days after my due date. Still had no signs of labor. I was beginning to think I would have to wait until the 42 week mark when my midwives would induce me. I had an appointment with them Friday but I was so hoping she would come on her own. I wanted to feel my body go into labor on its own and be able to experience that. But at the same time I wanted her to come sooner rather than later because my sisters would both be in town starting Sunday. My anxieties that I felt about having so much family around calmed down and I knew that things would work out just fine. We went to bed Wednesday night and I started to feel some cramping. I didn't think much of it because I had felt some of that during the week. But this time was more intense. And not too long after going to bed I woke josh up telling him I think I was having contractions. The intense cramps were now happening regularly every 5-7 minutes. Josh kept timing them for me and after an hour and a half of contractions every 5 minutes, we called the hospital to see if we should come in. They didn't really have a definite yes or no, so we decided to go in. We grabbed our bags that we had already packed and gathered a few other items. It was about 2am when we got to the hospital. They hooked me up to the monitors and asked me tons of questions. They checked to see if I was dilated and I was only a 1.5 and 70% effaced. My contractions started slowing down and becoming less intense. They said I was probably in early labor and I could stay and walk around a bit or I could go home to wait it out.  Home sounded so nice especially after a night of no sleep. We left the hospital around 8am and went home to rest. I was discouraged because I knew that early labor could last days.

Through out the day Thursday my contractions pretty much disappeared. It was the weirdest thing to me. This baby girl was already showing mom and dad who is in charge! Josh and I were both exhausted and managed to get a couple little naps in during the day. We went for a couple walks to try and get labor moving along. Toward the late evening I started to feel random contractions but nothing promising. And then around 11pm Josh and I climbed into bed to sleep. About five minutes passed when I experienced a big contraction! It was pretty painful and seemed random to me. With in about ten minutes I had experienced several contractions that were just as intense! They seemed to be coming every three minutes. Laying in bed through the contractions felt like the worst kind of torture. I got up out of bed and began bouncing on my exercise ball. After just a few minutes of that I felt I had to change positions again, I was just in so much pain. I went to the front room and as I did nausea  took over. Right as I grabbed the trash can from the kitchen I began to throw up everything that might have been in my stomach. Josh came running out to me. I sat in the rocker through several more contractions. Over an hour had passed and my contractions were about 1-3 minutes apart and were very intense. I couldn't talk through them and had to just stop and breathe. It was time to take yet another trip to the hospital.

This time I was wheeled in and could barely talk or acknowledge the people asking me questions and getting my info. After they got me all hooked up to check my progress they unfortunately declared that I was still only a 1.5 centimeters. I couldn't believe it. There was no way that with that much pain I hadn't progressed at all. But after about 20 minutes of watching my contractions on the monitor they said that I should stay for two hours off the monitors, walk around and then they will check me again to see if i had progressed. And let me tell you, those were probably the longest two hours of my life. Half of them I was in tears. Tears of exhaustion from not sleeping for 48 hours, tears of intense pain, and tears of feeling unsure how I was supposed to endure hours of that kind of pain and exhaustion. I had a focal point in my mind, I counted to ten in my head through each contraction, I imagined the soothing scene of waves on a beach but yet no technique made it easier for me to breathe through those contractions. Josh and I walked up and down the small hallways for almost the entire two hours. I would stop and turn in toward him and grab onto his arms as I attempted to breathe. He was my support in every way. Many times I broke into tears, and I felt like a failure for not being able to get a handle on the pain and be able to really manage my breathing. Laying my head on Josh's chest as I squeezed his arms was the closest thing I had to control over my breathing. Listening to his breathing, without him having to say a word helped me get through each moment. I was so tired that I had to stop and sit in my bed for a few minutes, even though sitting and laying were torture. I would partially fall asleep sitting up during the two minutes between each contraction as Josh rubbed my head then jolt awake from the pain.

 It was 3:30 am and it was time to check me again. My nurse, Dani, was so sweet and so comforting, I was extremely grateful for her. She said that after just two hours I was at 4 cm and was officially in active labor! My next question to her was when could I get an epidural. It was always my plan to get an epidural but I just never thought of how bad I would really want it. I was so exhausted and the thought of some relief gave me hope. She laughed a little and said as soon as we get me officially admitted with an IV. She left the room to get things set up and I burst into tears. They were again, tears of pain and exhaustion but the they were also tears of hope for relief. By about 4am I was checked into a room for labor. We called my mom (whose birthday was that day!) and let her know that it was time. What an early morning birthday wake up call for her! She was there by 6am and brought breakfast to Josh who was hungry and exhausted. She knows how to keep everyone happy and their needs met! I got my epidural around 5am and it wasn't what I expected at all. I had heard that it was so painful and so hard to bend over and stay still. But my doctor did an amazing job. He told me to take a relaxing breath, tuck my chin into my chest and just lean over. Within a couple minutes it was all over and I had hardly felt a thing! It was amazing.

Dani said now that it was time to sleep. SLEEP! She would go off duty at 7am and another nurse would come in. Ever since we got officially admitted I felt this sense of relief that I could do this and everything felt bearable again. I (and Josh) slept off and on for several hours and my mom was there watching over us. Everything was smooth sailing. When I was finally at 10cm the nurse and midwife (Susan) wanted me to wait a bit longer to start pushing so that my body could naturally push baby girl down and I would have to do less pushing and therefore have less tearing/trauma. I started to get nervous. I had been taking things one moment at a time and now the moment was finally here to start pushing. I was about to push a human being out of my body and I felt scared. Right before they told me that it was time to start pushing, I felt nauseated, exhausted and I really thought I might throw up. I think it was just my nerves kicking in and adrenaline for what I was about to do! I didn't let the feeling over take me and with the help of Josh and my nurse I began pushing. Three hard long pushes through each contraction. My lung capacity was definitely tested. Susan wasn't even in the room yet when I started pushing, and my nurse quickly had to tell me to stop until she got there or else I would have the baby without her and that Susan would not be too happy about that. My nurse (and Susan once she got there!) was so encouraging telling me how amazing I was doing with my pushing. I felt empowered. In just about 25 minutes of pushing (probably 7 contractions total) baby girl was finally here! With the relief from the epidural I was able to watch Josh as he watched me push and watched baby girl make her way into this world. It was funny to see his skeptical look when he saw the top of her head appear, which to him didn't look like a head at all. I'm sure at that point he thought we were having an alien baby. ;) At one point during pushing they even asked me if I wanted to reach down and feel her head. I promptly said no. I was alert, in control and so aware of what was going on. I knew that I had chosen the best option for me getting this epidural.

My nurse on the right... I am blanking on her name right now! I think it was Loraine :) She was amazing!

My midwife, Susan. Also amazing!

Three generations of gals

Our Skyler Jane was officially here (7 pounds 9 ounces, 19 3/4 inches long) at 2:42 pm and she was so beautiful, swollen face and all! She was perfect. 9 on the initial apgar scale and then a 10 the second time they analyzed her, screaming away with those strong lungs and just so beautiful. Tears streamed down my face as she was placed on my chest. I couldn't concentrate on anything else really going on in the room. I was told at one point that I actually did not tear, and I was SO happy to hear that.  I was so amazed by what my body was able to do and how I was able to survive it all. I was so incredibly happy and felt so blessed to finally be holding our perfect baby girl in our arms. She was mine, all mine. Those big blues eyes staring up at me were amazing. She made all sorts of different facial expressions and she just captivated everyone in the room.

We stayed the next day in a half at the hospital. My dad drove up and was able to see Skyler just an hour after she was born. She was so alert that day, looking around at Josh and me and my mom and dad. It was such a special time. I couldn't tell you how many times I watched Josh look at Skyler and say so excitedly that she is just "too cute!". Those two melt my heart. And the experience was also so exhausting. All the tests/check ups every few hours in the hospital, the learning to breastfeed, the extreme thirst, the great task that it was just to get up to go to the bathroom, etc. Josh and I were more than ready when we went home on Sunday morning. This birth experience was so perfect and I am so glad that I had made the decisions that I did. I felt SO blessed to have the amazing nurses and midwives that I did. Without those amazing women I know that my experience could have been totally different. There is so much pressure out there for natural child birth, and I can say that I am 100% so happy and satisfied that I listened to what I felt was right for me and got an epidural. Everyone is different, and it can be difficult to tell the difference between outside pressure and listening to what you actually want for yourself. We are so blessed to have had everything go so smoothly, and we are so in love!

40 weeks and 2 days

Well this picture was taken yesterday at my 40 week and 2 day mark. I cannot really say how much I hated (and still hate) answering the question of when am I due. "Any day now" people think because of my round tummy and tired eyes. And when I say two days ago, their eyes get even bigger and they say something about any second now. I wish for any second now. And then I hear all the stories of people and how they were such and such days or weeks late or the story of 4 months early and I should be grateful... etc. I am grateful. I am grateful for the amazing body that I have been given and how strong it has been to carry this little girl. I am grateful that she is healthy and that I am healthy. But those "extra few days of sleep" or whatever else might be a "plus" of her not being here yet really doesn't make any sense to me. Is one more day of sleep really going to make the difference? No. And is one more day of waiting really going to change much? No.

So I go back and forth with myself. Trying to be rational. Trying to be patient and calm and everything else that everyone (including myself) expects me to be. And at the same time trying to balance my fear and anxieties that increase everyday. Those same anxieties that seem to not be allowed or accepted by others. I'm not allowed to show that I am scared or that there are things that make me more and more nervous as time goes on. I'm not allowed to feel these things, and that is what I dislike the most. I am told not to feel a certain way because of course everything works out, there's nothing I can do about it and so many other people before me have gone through this and have been just fine. The way I feel is brushed off and I'm supposed to just be perfect and be okay with how things are happening.

I wish we were all more accepting of each other. Accepting of the fact that it is okay to feel all these different emotions in life. Feeling is what makes us human. But I agree that moving forward despite our fears is what is key. I try to do that each day. Pregnancy has been an amazing journey and has tested me in so many ways. I have some days where I am really tired, but other than that I would say that at over 40 weeks I am doing pretty well. Prayers that baby girl will make her debut soon and prayers that all will go well!

39 weeks

As of today I officially have FOUR DAYS until my due date. FOUR. DAYS. I just  cannot even tell you how hard that is to believe. She could come today (not feeling like that is very likely) and our little lives will be changed forever! As her due date has approaches, so have little anxieties. The closer I am more the more I realize how life is going to change. And at the same time I still have NO CLUE what life is actually going to be like. I get anxious for the change. I get selfish and sometimes don't want her to come because it will never just be Josh and me again.

I have so loved our life together so far and the time that we have just him and me. Parts of me wishes that I could keep it that way forever. But this isn't what someone who is about to have a baby should feel like, some might say. But they are true feelings if I am being honest with you and myself. And at the same time I worry, I also know that this little girl is going to add depth and love to our relationship that we never thought possible and I get so excited to meet her! I want to know what she looks like, her little habits and I am so excited to see her personality grow and develop. This little life has so much potential and I get to bring her into this world and be her mom.

As for actual delivery, that is always daunting and even though I have researched, read, heard and even was there for the birth of my niece, there is still so much unknown for how my labor and delivery process will go. I try to not think too much about that part of things. I know I am strong. Stronger than I think. And when the time comes, and the pain is real, I will be able to handle it. I will have Josh by my side and continual prayers of strength.

Each day the tension seems to build and I wonder when it is actually going to happen! I never thought she would be early, but I'm hoping that she will be on time ;). It is difficult to walk much, I keep a pretty slow pace and I get tired pretty quickly. I keep organizing as much as I can and cleaning to make sure things are as ready as they can be for the big day. As scary as it can all feel, I am ready. Josh is ready. And we are so excited!

Colorado baby shower

May 3rd I had my second baby shower here in Colorado! It was so much fun to be able to see my Colorado friends and to spend time hanging out, chatting, and eating delicious food! I feel so blessed to have the support that I do from friends and family. Our little girl is definitely spoiled already! And the decorations that my mom put together were PERFECT. She is an awesome decorator! 

This was my blessing dress, socks, blanket and shoes! Baby girl will hopefully be wearing this same dress for her blessing day.

Look how perfect these homemade cupcakes are! I loved the little bottles on top :)

Josh's mom and some ofher friends came up from Pueblo for the shower. So fun!!

Best friends since 6th grade. Love that we can live close again!

the move

I'm kind of bummed that I didn't get pictures from our move (thanks dad for snapping one!). Things were just so rushed that I didn't really think about it! Thursday and Friday were graduation days and then Saturday morning we packed everything up and left for Colorado! We rented a 5x8 Uhaul trailer that Josh's parents pulled for us and stuffed everything else in our car and my parent's car. It was quite the miracle that we fit all of our stuff into such small spaces. I really am convinced that the only way that we were able to do it was due to all the prayers that we said that everything would fit. That and the great packing skills that the parents and Josh have. WE used every nook and cranny in that little Uhaul! Once we got everything in we caravaned our way through the mountains with our three cars, Josh's parents in front, our slow car in the middle and my parents following behind. It rained while we packed, and it rained/hailed for the first four hours of our drive. I was so grateful for Josh for driving the whole way. I was nervous to drive being so large with child and then the part of the drive that I usually take it was raining/hailing hard and our little car kept fogging up! He just kept on driving for us and never once complained. I was so appreciative of that!

We finally made it to Colorado about 7pm and we stopped and enjoyed a meal at Hacienda Colorado (a fabulous Mexican restaurant). Josh and I stayed in Parker while the Peterson's headed the rest of the way to Pueblo. The next day we went to church with my parents and relaxed just to get up and drive to Fort Collins (technically we are in Loveland) the next day to officially unpack all of our stuff into the apartment. It was just Josh and my mom to unpack the Uhaul and truck that we were borrowing. I was AMAZED! It was one of the windiest days which is so miserable to be outside in, and we live in the back of the complex and on the second floor and my mom and Josh unpacked it all and SO FAST! They were amazing. I was given strict orders not to do much lifting so I started unpacking things in the kitchen and directing boxes of stuff. Before I knew it they had everything out! Even the big furniture pieces. What a studly family I have ;) Dad showed up after work with another car full of stuff and we unpacked that as well. Pretty soon we had everything in our condo.

I am so grateful for all the hard work that my parents have put in to helping us move and their willingness to do it! They are simply amazing and we could not have done all the hours of packing and moving without them. I feel so blessed to be able to live close by to them!! I still can't believe that this is where we live and its not just for summer like we are used to. This is our first home outside of college and we are so thrilled. We are loving the condo and I have enjoyed unpacking everything, getting organized and trying to make this little place into a home. It still has a ways to go but I would say it is coming together nicely. Maybe in a few weeks we will have things more put together and cute and I will get some pictures up! One thing at a time :)

38 weeks (better late than never)

I sort of can't believe that I am 38 weeks and have done so much in the past couple. With graduation, packing, moving, unpacking and a baby shower I'm proud that baby girl has stayed put! We have been so busy and I like to take a moment every once in a while to be proud of myself for (the most part) keeping up! So many people say that once they get to this point of pregnancy they are just fed up and done, like it is unbearable and they couldn't do it any longer. Well, maybe it is because I have been so busy but for the most part I am doing just fine! Sure I would like to be able to walk without a little waddle, and roll over in bed without it taking a lot of effort and energy. And sure I would like no heartburn, back pain, leg aches, be able to fit into clothes and such. But really, life is good, my baby (seems) healthy and content and I am just glad that everything has been working out. I found a doctor (well midwives!) out here and have things lined up for check ups and delivery plans. Things are all coming together in our apartment slowly but surely. We still need furniture and things like that but little by little we are getting there. As a wise aunt/uncle have told us many times, take life in steps. There is no need to have everything all at once and we can't compare our lives to those around us. And as hard as that can be sometimes, we doing our best to stop and enjoy each little phase of life!

graduation 2014

Two weeks ago Josh and I graduated college!! Holy cow. How amazing is that?! It still seems pretty unreal that we are done. Turned in our last homework, finished our last tests, sat in class on BYU campus for the last time (well, for now...). Both of our parents drove out to celebrate. I was able to sit by Josh for both graduation ceremonies and even though I am not a huge fan of graduation ceremonies (let's face it, they are long and boring) I am so glad I got to walk and dress up in our gowns and say that we officially graduated! All our hard work and we survived. Not only did we survive but I'd say we did pretty well along the way. ;) I learned so much in my four years at BYU and I grew so much as a person. I am so grateful for the amazing opportunity I had to go to school here. Maybe not today, or next week, but I know soon I will miss it. ;)